12.6.13 (2:04am)

Lonliness feels like it’s drenching me again.
I’m not sure why I took the time to say again, as if it left.
Oh, it did for a bit, but of course it returns.
Stronger than ever, might I add.
And it’s not as if I think you won’t be back, I just miss you in the meantime.
And I feel like all interest in anything but you is lost.
I’ve been eating less, and thinking more.
The weight-loss is a plus, but nothing to what would compare to happiness.
And I’m sounding like a typical 16-year-old girl, but trust me, I’m not feeling like one.
Sometimes I just pray to be normal.
Normal in the sense of not worrying constantly and having feelings I know that no one else has but me.
I’m sick of canceling plans and anticipating getting home.
I want to live and be happy like it seems that everyone else my age is awfully good at.
And I was like that for a short period of time (or at least I pretended I was).
And the obsessive thoughts are killers to every alive smile that I get (it lasts no more than seconds at a time, then vanishes as it came).
I’m not sure of anything anymore.
Ha, I say that as if I was at one time.
I’ve just got so much stacked onto my pile right now, I’m bound to fall over.
I’m also terrible at short poems.

12.20.13 (12:04am)

I find myself constantly looking to see if you’re active online and when you last were.
I keep track of the time like it was my job, as I wait for your calls.
I get nervous if I feel it is getting to late for you to call, in fear that you may not.
I have a huge dependency on you.
Many people can say someone is their rock or their anchor, but not many can say that someone is their favorite story or their most-listened to song.
It is arriving at the five year mark, and it has become obvious that third time isn’t the charm.
(But maybe it is.)
I think of you all of the time.
And I’m not sure why you put yourself through this.
If you could only see the way your voice makes me smile, and your touch makes me relax like no pill ever could.
It sometimes feel like I despise you, but in all honesty, it’s jealousy at its typical stage.
Why jealous of you?
Because you get to spend every waking moment with you.
You get to hear yourself laugh, or watch yourself smile in the mirror anytime you want.
You get to smell the lovely aroma that you have all of the time.
You’re lucky to spend forever with you, without having to worry about losing out to someone.
But somehow you seem to have forgotten just what I said that night, almost 4 years ago.
But I didn’t.
I said I would never stop loving you, and I never did.
But I guess I don’t make it apparent.
Because you don’t notice how I feel when you’re around.
How my eyes start to water just because you’re in my presence.
How my heart beats fast if you call my name.
How I can’t stop smiling after you tell me something nice.
How I try to postpone hanging up the phone with you for as long as possible.
Or how I wait nervously to see if I’ll get a hug before you go home.
But you never see those things.
You think I see you as just my best friend.
That you are no more than a “pal” to me.
I must be really good at acting.

9.26.13 (2:45am)

And i know how quick I am to change my mind
So I try to keep it steady all of the time
I’m so afraid of myself and who I might could be
So I stay stranded in this realm I consider me

9.7.13 (3:33am)

I guess part of me is just stuck in an alternative universe;
Heavy on the ‘alternative’.
It feels like I’m just the crack in the sidewalk, and you’re the grass that grows upon to make me feel a purpose,
Even if there is none.
Being torn apart by imaginary villains who all share a name with me.
Wallowing in self-pity while attempting to reactivate someone else,
With no want for anything besides crummy writings and wall-sitting,
And the scarlet scribbling, but it would be the best to avoid any conversational matter there.
And just like any good needle, we need a point to this:
What if the apple of your eye is just a worm in disguise?

8.28.13 (4:19am)

So we take pills to tell us how to feel
And we are told not to let who we are escape
Reality is frightening, but dreams are much worse
Who knew a small gray pill could control your whole being
Who knew that without the help of some strange concoction of chemicals and powders that our lives could be forever spent in petrification
And so you try to be independent and control your own like it should be
And you relapse and retox
And you can’t seem to get anything right without the help of some superhero in a capsule
When all you need is understanding

6.24.13 (7:20am)

It’s 7am and I’ve been up all night
I’m finally trying to sleep, but all I hear is that selfish bastard arguing
It’s over something pointless and stupid (as always)
So I try read, might I remind you, a very depressing book
Hoping to get into the character’s life to forget my own
Less than a year away from freedom
A chance to start a new
Away from that lousy piece of shit who gets the title “father”
What a scumfuck.

I keep finding out new shit about him that pisses me off
Like the way he chews
Or the way he sounds at all
Or just him in general (okay, so it’s not new)
I’ve never had such hatred for anyone, anything
He makes me want to take him to some psycho hut
I think he might have escaped one in secret at sometime.

Of course he’s hitting mom
And of course it’s making me shake and tremble
It always fucks with my nerves
I love her more than anything / anyone

I feel completely weak and so sick I could puke
Preferably on him
Anxiety meds can’t stop shit like this from happening
They can’t stop how your life goes
How your life is
How things are
Or the world at all, for that matter.

It’s also freezing
Like his heart has been ripped open in my room.

I’ve been almost a month clean
I have a doctor’s appointment in August
So I can’t do the usual
I began on my thighs
But that was a month ago
He’s going to force me to ruin my winning streak.

All I hear is “bitch” and “fatass”
And him slapping her
And hitting
And her tearing up
And now crying
And hearts breaking;

I think it’s my own.

5.26.13 (12:21am)

What happens when even your heroes become not good enough?
The ones who saved your life, you feel like they’re falling apart even more than you are,
Maybe they realized that they were stupid, and maybe you are too,
Maybe all of the hope they gave you was just a lie,
Maybe you should stop liv(y)ing off of someone else’s misery,
Maybe you really do have to make your own happiness,
Maybe it was just for fame,
Maybe you’ve lived a huge portion of you life as a lie,
Maybe no one cares, and no one ever will
Maybe this whole world is out of control (and not in the good form),
Maybe nothing will ever help you„,
But maybe,
You’re just insane

3.31.13 (12:12am)

And I didn’t get to experience that
Because I was too young
But I like to think it was a very
Interesting time
From opinion to opinion about it
But none wrong or right
Can agree on something
That it was
A huge part of their lives
Enjoyable or agony
They needed it
To find out themselves
They needed him
He needed himself
He needed you
We all needed someone
We all needed to feel needed
We still do
Of course
Not as badly
Not in the same way
It was such a takeover
Much like the late
Less drastic
Except people got killed
Today it is most gone
But it lingers
In some
I am one of those
And as long as I’m around
It will remain

2.27.13 (4:33am)

There it was. The words I had been anticipating. “I’ve never loved someone like this” followed by a “You are the greatest person in my life”.
Of course. I knew it would happen.
I felt chills run all through my body in attempt to cripple every nerve I possessed.
It hasn’t hurt like this in a while.
Just knowing he just tossed 4 years down the drain.
I’m sorry I can’t be as perfect as that.
It’s not like I want to be with him anymore, it’s just the fact of knowing that you’re still not good enough.
After… four… fucking… years…
Tears surface my eyes, but they stay there, in refusal to fall.
It’s like they know they shouldn’t be there.
My head aches and I get this pain in my chest.
I feel my thoughts go numb.
What is this.
I’m not going to let this be okay.
I think I need to be alone for a while again.

2.3.13 (5:02am)

Don’t tell me it can’t take over you
Don’t tell me I can control it
"Just get over it"
I cannot
It won’t stop
It won’t leave
It mingles around with my other demons
Making friends and planning when to attack all at once
Like a force that you cannot stop
It beats you until you drop
No one seems to care anyway, until you’re gone
Then you were everyone’s best friend
You we’re perfect and beautiful and the best thing that ever happened to them
When they know if you were still around, your breath would be their cringing sound
Things aren’t ever going to change, are they
Not in anyway
No matter how far you run from it, it still lingers
Until you shoo it away, which only makes it angrier
It snaps bits and pieces from your smile until only a teeth-baring hole is left
It constantly reminds you of what a low-down piece of nothing you are
It controls your heart
It makes your decisions weary
It’s like a sober high, except you feel every pinch they pull
Taking your glow and dimming it until everything’s black
And it refuses to go
Until you finally snap