Everything makes me an anxious mess lately.
And by lately, I mean for years now.
I wish I wasn’t such an overanalyzing spazz.
I wish I wasn’t so quick to cry.
I wish I knew where in life I was at.
I wish I wasn’t me sometimes.
I keep wanting to write, and I’m not sure why.
I’m not the stereotypical “soon-to-be successful” writer (or writer at all).
But things feel odd. Off.
(Like using overrated metaphors will fix this.)
I want to imagine all of this being a ‘choose your own story’ book.
And I choose the best one; the one with the greatest adventures and turn outs.
Sadly, life isn’t a kid’s book.
Sending out questions to nobody.
Like anyone will ever see this.
(Like anyone will ever care.)
My life is going nowhere (and it’s going there at the speed of light)
Everyone is growing up and getting jobs and driving and getting engaged and having children and making friends and moving away … and me?
I’m stuck here. In the middle of my mind. Not knowing where to sprawl my chord out to and grab.
They’re all fishers.
I’m the bait.
I haven’t heard your voice in a week.
You’re the only caffeine I need, everyone else is just tap water.
Watching: out for everyone but myself
Reading: up on dumb things that worsen my day
Listening: to no one - not even myself
I feel like it’s not real
And I want to be not real
I’m not done being lonely quite yet
I’m not ready to move on from moping around in my own venomous thoughts
I’m not reading to stop being the pitiful, worthless weakling that I am
I’m okay with not beingt 100% okay right now
That’ll change eventually, maybe (hopefully) soon
But until then, don’t try to “fix” me.
Clashing with the air as you go on about your life as if I never mattered
Stomach aches and heart breaks to match
Candles never seemed so welcoming as they do when they’re lit beside of your heart
Care turns to flakes of ash
Darkness comes to hold you and tell you to just sink into it
And it tells you how much more narrow the spectrum of life can be (and why that’s a good thing)
Build a box of steel around your heart to run off feelings
Because feelings are for humans, unlike the mess you have became
Scratches appear over thoughts, telling you to just forget about everything
Too bad for them, you’ve got some polish
Wising to be everyone else
Trying to forget yourself
Memories changed than how you remember them
For turmoil and misery makes your head spin
Choosing to forget, but never for too long
Always throwing glances where they don’t belong
Achieving the achievement of forgetting you exist
As everyone else lives happily in their bliss.